How I Learnt to Make More Friends
I have been very fortunate to have some absolutely amazing friendships in my life. While many of them have come and gone; some of them got married, some of them have moved to other cities or countries, one of them even actually became a well-known internet celebrity.
But anyway, all the amazing friends in my life have shown me something about what it means to be me. And this is because I think you tend to view yourself through the eyes of other people, especially the people you are really close with. That is why, I really think it is very crucial to surround yourself with the right people, to form your so-called circle with intention. You wanna surround yourself with the people who make you a better person, a better version of yourself. For the most part, those types of relationships are gonna be friendships.
You wanna surround yourself with the people who make you a better person, a better version of yourself.
Just a quick note, you don’t get quality friendships by following a cookbook guide of some kind, or a defined step-by-step action list. As a matter of fact, some of the best relationships I have ever had seem randomly happened, when I was not really expecting them at all.
Beware, this story is not going to be about giving you a checklist or a guide to show you how to make everyone want to be your friend, because I think that is kind of nonsense, futile, and most likely dumb. But I would really wanna give some insights about some useful things I’ve learned that helped me make friends easier and connect with people a lot more genuinely.
Always assume the initiative
The number one tip is to always assume the initiative. Back when I was in high school I was casually browsing the internet, mainly Reddit. I came across a post that pretty much changed my view. There was this guy who was complaining about how he did not have many friends, and the ones that he had were starting to move away. He didn’t know why and he was getting sad. When the last friend that he had stopped calling him, he decided to call his friend and ask what has happened:
- “Dude, where did you go? Why you don’t invite me to places anymore?” And his friend simply said:
- “I thought you didn’t like spending time with me.”
That is when it had struck me. If you don’t have a lot of friends, and you tend to not do things often, and you want to do things with other people, then just take control. Just like any other aspect of your life, if you want to change something, it is up to you to change it since it is your life. Take control of your social life, always assume the initiative. If you wanna do something fun, come up with an idea and invite the person you want. If they don’t want to come, it is their choice.
Just like any other aspect of your life, if you want to change something, it is up to you to change it since it is your life
Honesty is what you need
The next thing that I have learned is that honesty is the way to go. One of the major pitfalls in any social interaction is the fear of voicing your opinion, being controversial, politically incorrect, or offensive, you call it. But this fear has to go if you want people to know who you really inside.
So many people are so agreeable, very careful of everything they say, making sure they are not hurting anyone’s feelings. They are making sure to laugh at everyone’s jokes, even if they are bad. They are being pleasant. People think, “oh yeah, he is nice”. They do not really know you, but you are unoffensive to them, so it is okay for them to have you nearby. One day you are gonna look around and you will realize that you are liked by everyone, but loved by no one, similar to what Bojack says in one of my favorite series, Bojack Horseman.
One day you are gonna look around and you will realize that you are liked by everyone, but loved by no one
So, if you are the kind of person who doesn’t make anyone feel uncomfortable, and finds it hard to make it past the surface level relations with most people, then it is most likely because of you not voicing your honest opinions, not talking about things you like, or things you find right. You are simply hiding your true identity from people, and people don’t tend to bond with people they do not know at all or people who they don’t trust.
I am not saying tell every thought of you to everyone you meet here and there, but if you are interested in forming deeper relationships with people then you have to be willing to get past the small talk and talk about what you truly want and are curious about. When you say something that is considered controversial, you can get two reactions. They can either connect with what you are saying and be like “yeah, I totally agree”, or they can be like “this guy is lunatic, I am out”. And both of those things are actually good, because of my next point.
Rejection is a useful tool
When you communicate honestly, and not afraid of being controversial, and be who you really are then you are for sure make a lot of people run away since they completely disagree with you. And guess what, this is a very good thing. Because you can quickly find out the people who you can connect with.
Rejection is inevitable that happens when two people are incompatible. It can happen instantly, or it can happen slowly in a very painful and toxic relationship. A quick rejection happens where one person starts talking with another person, they do not vibe at all, they go different ways and never talk again. I think this is perfect. It’s honest and clear-cut. On the other hand, gradual rejection is something that we do not often think about. It happens when two people are incompatible but none of them are good at communicating honestly. That often causes a lot of drama, pain, and turmoil down the road. So if someone is incompatible with you, rejection is the way it is. It can happen right away, or down the road. Always prefer the quick one if you want less drama in your life.
Gradual rejection happens when two people are incompatible but none of them are good at communicating honestly.
It is all about the demographics
Lots of people complain about how they cannot meet anyone like them. Maybe they have some unique hobbies, interests, maybe some strange opinions. And they are upset since they can never find their circle, their people. People get sad they cannot find other people who understand them.
The problem here is a lot of people seek in the most general places for their best friend, or soulmate even. But you want to increase your chances of finding people you can bond with. That is statistics, it is just basic demographics. Join hobby groups or talking groups with people who think like you online and offline. If you are into sports, then join a team or a common course. Arrange meetings with your friends who you are already connected and ask them to invite and their friends. Start to get involved. Go where other people are. Use the statistics in your favor. It is impossible to connect with people if you have no people to connect around.
